Cremation now accounts for around 80% of funerals in the UK, and within that percentage, is direct cremation. Direct cremation or unattended cremation as it is referred to in the funeral industry, appeals to a lot of people.
For many it can feel like a simple and practical choice. A no fuss, lower cost funeral alternative which is marketed as easing the burden on loved ones at what is already a difficult time. For the many who choose to have a direct cremation, that simplicity is exactly what they want.
What Is Direct Cremation?
A direct cremation involves a body being taken from a funeral directors or the place of death to a crematorium where a cremation takes place without a ceremony and without anyone present. There is no service or ceremony, no gathering, no moment where family and friends come together to acknowledge what has happened.
In many cases, particularly with larger nationwide providers, the person who has died is collected and taken to a central facility, which may be some distance away. The process is designed to be efficient and straightforward, managed within a structured system. It is, in its simplest form, a way of dealing with the physical process of death. For some people, that is exactly what they want; simplicity.
Why Do People Choose Direct Cremation?
Direct cremation appeals to many for the following reasons:
- Make things easier for those grieving, by making the decisions for them
- Direct cremations are financially cheaper than funerals
- Why put your loved ones through the sorrow of a funeral?
- No ceremony so no need to attend making it easier for those who live further away
- No costs involved for those grieving
Is Direct Cremation What Your Loved Ones Need?
What is often not fully considered is the impact this can have on the people left behind. In my roles of Freelance Funeral Director, and Funeral Celebrant, I frequently speak with families who chose or honoured a direct cremation, believing it was the simplest or better option, only to find that something doesn’t quite sit right afterwards. Often seeing people finding it harder to live with their grief when they have been denied the opportunity to say goodbye.
There can be a sense of something missing, something not always easy to put into words. The practical side has been taken care of, but emotionally things can feel unresolved.
A funeral is an essential part of the grieving process and funerals are for the living. Funerals give closure to the physical act of dying. Arranging and attending a funeral is the final act of love and consideration we can physically show for those we love and care about.
Those who decide to have a direct cremation for the simplicity, might not be aware of the complexity this decision has on their loved ones, family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and community; typically those who attend a funeral.
Why Funerals Are Needed
Across all cultures and throughout time, we have marked death with some form of ritual or ceremony. It is a human rite of passage, to something that feels impossible to process. It creates a space where grief is recognised, shared, and supported. Without that, grief can feel suspended, unacknowledged, unfinished.
A funeral can take whatever form required to allow people present to acknowledge the death and to say goodbye. Funerals allow those connected to the person who has died to gather together in the same space to pay their respects to the person who has died.
‘Paying our respects’ is one of the traditions we take part in when somebody dies. Sympathy cards and flowers are customarily sent to those who are bereaved. Some will go to see the person who has died at the funeral directors to pay their respects. Food is brought to grieving people in some cultures, prayers might be said, religious vigils might also be held. Some people might raise a glass of alcohol to the person who has died, some might offer to walk the dog. Bereaved people can take time off work, or from education until after the funeral. These are all in recognition of a death has occurred. It isn’t about tradition for the sake of it, it is about what we as humans need.
All of these acts can take place regardless of what is going to happen to the body of the person who has died. A funeral service/ceremony (there is a difference between a traditional funeral service and a funeral ceremony created and led by a celebrant), is recognised as the end of the immediate period of bereavement. (For the family, partner, friends and loved ones, it is just the beginning of learning to live with the grief of their person no longer being physically in their lives). People who attend a funeral regard this as ‘paying respect’. A funeral is an essential marker in the grieving process.
Memorial Ceremonies After a Direct Cremation
Many families and people make the decision to have a memorial ceremony either instead of a funeral, or because they couldn’t have a funeral due to honouring the wishes of their person who chose a direct cremation. Memorial ceremonies take place after a burial or a cremation. Happening, not before as a funeral ceremony does; happening after the initial opportunity to say goodbye has already passed.
Mentions between attendees of the funeral (or the absence of one) are commonly heard, with it being the purpose of a memorial ceremony. During the creation process of some memorial ceremonies, one of the five stages of guilt seems to be more prominent for some people; bargaining. Questioning if the choices of the person who has died should have been honoured, or ‘looking back, should we have had a funeral’?
Direct Cremation and Grief
Honouring the final wishes of those we love is central to the grieving process, but what if those final wishes are adding to grief? It can give those who arrange a direct cremation a feeling of relief and perhaps contentment believing those we love won’t have to make funeral arrangements or decisions. Nor will they have to go through the emotional trauma of attending our funerals, but what if our loved ones want to do this; need to do this final act of love and appreciation for us?
When that moment isn’t there, grief can feel less defined, harder to place, and sometimes more isolating. While it is always possible to mark a life in other ways, that first opportunity, to gather, to witness, to comfort one another, to say goodbye, is not always something that can be fully recreated later.
Families and partners are left trying to find their own way through grief, often without the structure or support that a ceremony naturally provides. And even when they try to create something afterwards, it can feel like they’re trying to fill a gap that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I often hear: ‘It just didn’t feel like we got to say goodbye.’
A direct cremation is financially cheaper, but what is the priceless emotional cost for those a funeral would be for?
Talk About Your Funeral Choices
Talking about our funeral choices isn’t a favoured topic of conversion as it is the realisation we will, at some point, die. How will we know what our loved ones want and need if we do not talk about it? It can be a difficult conversation to have, but it can also be a practical one. Discuss the possibility of a direct cremation if this is something you are considering. After reading this, is it the better option for all involved? Death is a physical act and part of our lives, but those left behind have to learn to live without us when we die.
For those people, it isn’t just about our lives ending, it is about them having to begin to live their lives without us. We cannot guarantee that won’t happen, that we will die first, but we can make plans to make things slightly easier for them.
Is Direct Cremation Right For You?
If you’re considering a direct cremation, arranging a funeral, or simply trying to make sense of what your options are, it can help to talk things through. If your family aren’t accepting of the conversation, I can help you to arrange a funeral which is personal but inclusive.
I offer calm, independent guidance to help you understand what’s possible and what is right for you, and for those around you. We only get one opportunity to say goodbye, make it memorable.
For further information on direct cremation or to book me as your funeral celebrant, please contact me.